Posts filed under Faith

How the Love of Another Man Pushed Me Into My Husband's Arms

Photo courtesy of the beautiful Jeannette Ayoob-Urban

Photo courtesy of the beautiful Jeannette Ayoob-Urban

The man stood alone among over 50 women, speaking to them about their own womanhood...

Imagine a weekend retreat with all those women women attending with only that one man, a priest, to dilute the beautiful conflagration of estrogen. I was there and it was awesome. The positive feminine energy was a wonderful balm for my soul. So many "little mothers" to nurture and support!  And oh yes, the healing tears flowed.

Yet as much as I acknowledge the unique role that women play for each other in life (indispensable, really), I also returned home with a renewed appreciation for the role of men in how we come to see ourselves as women... and how we learn to draw closer to Christ through their steady witness.

It doesn't seem like it should have worked out well at all; a lone man speaking about womanhood and motherhood to a bunch of women (mostly mothers) who have 100% more life experience as females than he! But Father's words were more powerful for me than those of any woman I have ever heard speak. They challenged and pierced and illuminated the treasure of my femininity in a new way. And there's a growing part of me (not the former strident feminist part) that marvels and wonders what it is about a man that has the unique power to do just that. 

This experience of masculine speaking to feminine about the feminine was marvelous and unlike some male Catholic speakers who try to understand the "feminine genius" through their masculine lens and misapplication of JPII's marvelous Theology of the Body

I have taken the whole experience apart in my mind a dozen times since I've been home. Without analyzing too much, here are a few points I've been pondering... 

  • The complementarity of man and woman goes well beyond the sexual and does not even need a sexual context or metaphor to be true and powerful. We have been given to each other in service by God and we have been made for each other. The sexual context is singular to the married vocation. I am only married to one man... and yet that complementarity with all other men still exists in a completely beautiful and non-sexual context. I am a bride. I am also physical and spiritual daughter, sister, and mother to many.
  • The priest is consecrated and celibate but still fully male. His masculine gifts put him in a position to lead woman but also to be upheld by her. It is why we kneel for a blessing before him and why he clings to Mary and is upheld by the Spiritual Motherhood which is so honored by the Church.

  • The authentic words of affirmation and confidence given by a man have a powerful impact on a woman... perhaps even more so than another woman can give. As Pope Saint John Paul II said so perfectly:

    "God has assigned as a duty to every man the dignity of every woman." 

Father's priestly counsel pierced my feminine heart all weekend. I was impacted not only by his words through his priestly office, but also by who he was as a person.  And my appreciation grew, not as a fangirl but as a spiritual daughter/sister being led to greatness in Christ. When he looked at us women and told us that we were beautiful in who we are and within the context of our vocation, I believed him; but instead of being drawn to his side, my desire for home steadily ignited. 

Fr. Nathan Cromley {Photo courtesy of  Jayme Orn Photography }

Fr. Nathan Cromley {Photo courtesy of Jayme Orn Photography}

That is what every man should do for every woman... Point her to vocation, to her greatness, to her spouse, to her Lord. That is what every woman should do for every man... Show him his capacity for greatness in Christ at home and in the world.

The nearer Father led us to Christ, the stronger that desire grew until it was a flame that became a blazing fire. I was enjoying the retreat and yet I longed to see my husband. To serve him. To be held by him. And a repeated daydream (that also became a dream during sleep) took hold of me there...

I imagined that my husband and I were holding hands and walking up the center aisle of the chapel toward our Eucharistic Lord exposed in the monstrance. And when we arrived in front of Jesus, we knelt together and received His blessing.

It was a physical longing and gripped me so tightly that it surprised me. 

Each time I heard my spiritual Father speak, that desire for my both my husband and my God increased. One man leading me closer to another man, my spouse... through Christ.

Many words have been written about the need in our Church for manly priests; men who not only understand their priestly identity but who understand it in the context of their masculine nature. It is not just an exercise in pastoral speculation... But a true need.

I not only reject the idea of women priests from a theological standpoint but also from a natural one. We need these men, these soul lovers who have taken up the cross of service for our salvation. We need not just what they do but who they are. Their masculinity is a gift that we cannot set aside as some random assignment of biological pieces. 

A woman needs men who will look into her eyes with their strong, confident, gentle love... and communicate to her the matter of her dignity. It is often said that culture will be restored by the heart, the woman. But...

Woman needs man to lead and to teach her through his words and love about her own dignity.
Man needs woman to support him as he carries his cross in the world.
He finds his own dignity and home in the heart of the feminine.
She finds her fortress and fire in the masculine.

It is my fervent prayer that the men of the Church will learn the significance of that role and take it up. Oh, how they could change the world! They are inclined to take it by might and sheer effort but do not know their own potential as soul-lovers.

I left the retreat a little early and went home late Saturday night, missing the two remaining hours on Sunday morning. I wanted to stay and continue to drink deeply from the retreat experience but I also wanted to be able to go to Mass with my family, to be able to sleep a little more deeply (even a quiet retreat stretched my physical limits during this pregnancy), and to hold my littlest girl who was missing her mommy. But mostly...

I wanted to see my husband.

He texted me a response to my invitation saying: "Whatever you want to do is fine. Stay as long as you like. If you want me to come early, I will." I replied:

"Come and get me!"

... and I felt like a school girl while I waited. I also felt a little like a young bride waiting to see my groom before our our nuptial Mass. My eyes filled with tears when he walked through the door. He got bonus points for the roses that he brought me (husbands, take note!) but I would have rejoiced regardless.

After we arrived home, we imprudently but joyfully stayed up with the children until 1:00 am just being together before family prayers. My toddler fell asleep curled up on my lap and I fell asleep on the couch so quickly that I didn't even kiss my spouse goodnight.

It's not a story of glamorous romance. We are messy, we are weak, and we are broken... And we fall asleep when we don't mean to.

But the more attentive I am to my Lord, the more my heart is drawn to my home. And sometimes, it takes another man to remind me that to be fully who I am in Christ means to draw closer, not to the activity of my vocation, but to the souls with whom I have been entrusted.

The last time I went on retreat (over 11 years ago), I came home ready to change my husband... to form him more perfectly to my (stunted) vision of holy. That was partially (or largely) my immaturity and partially the questionable direction from the priest who essentially told me that my apostolic work was more important than the heart of my husband. And... it was kind of a disaster. I disrespected the treasure that my faithful, prayerful, hard-working, generous, amazing man that my husband always has been. I don't know if he was nervous about my return home this time (he was nothing but encouraging) but he would certainly have been justified! This time however, Father said something (among many things of value) that helped me correct that former error:

Jesus doesn't need new ministries, He needs lovers.

Instead of coming home with an agenda, I came home with a gentle fire. Instead of coming home to make changes to my family members, I came home to love them. Instead of coming home with a list and a massive plan, I came home with the courage to just begin again in steady charity. I also came home with a dozen red roses and a renewed appreciation for the irreplaceable role of the masculine presence in the feminine life. 

To any men reading...

Please lead the women in your life to Christ. Love them, give them courage by your own example, forgive them, make sure they have what they need to be well, and help them see their own beauty and dignity. 

To the women...

Let them. And then serve them with faithfulness, confidence, mercy, and joy. For those who suffer in that holy work, I share a few more of Father's words:

“When your heart is pierced, when your tears flow... Blessed be God! There aren’t enough tears in the world.”

To my husband...

I have no words for the gift that you have always been and continue to be in my life. You married a bratty teenager and you've loved and nurtured her into the woman that I am. Full of weakness and holes and sinfulness, yes... but also so happy. You have poured yourself out to give me life, hope, joy, and Jesus. You have tempered my wayward estrogen with the gentle strength. You have served even when there was no obvious return on the investment. Twenty years ago, you were the one who answered my questions about Christ and then set about to show me... and you are still leading. What all that means to me is inexpressible and touches an intimate part of my soul that knows no adequate expression. But I thank you. And I renew my commitment to our Christ-centered eternal love. 

Thanks be to God!

“Allow yourselves to hunger... Fall in love with Jesus.” {Fr. Nathan Cromly}
We are fast approaching our 20th wedding anniversary. May Blessed Mother continue to lead us united to her Son.

We are fast approaching our 20th wedding anniversary. May Blessed Mother continue to lead us united to her Son.

Retreat jewelry craft led by artist  Andrea Singarella . Roses from my husband. Name tag from the  Arise retreat.

Retreat jewelry craft led by artist Andrea Singarella. Roses from my husband. Name tag from the Arise retreat.

Photo of the attendees of the Arise Retreat. Over 50 amazing women... and one Fr. Nathan. { Photo courtesy of  Jayme Orn Photography } My deepest gratitude to  Brooke Taylor  for running with the inspiration of the Holy Spirit to make this event happen and to every woman there who said yes to that same Spirit by attending. 

Photo of the attendees of the Arise Retreat. Over 50 amazing women... and one Fr. Nathan. {Photo courtesy of Jayme Orn Photography} My deepest gratitude to Brooke Taylor for running with the inspiration of the Holy Spirit to make this event happen and to every woman there who said yes to that same Spirit by attending. 

Photo of our walking Rosary courtesy of  Jayme Orn Photography

Photo of our walking Rosary courtesy of Jayme Orn Photography

Posted on March 16, 2016 and filed under Faith, Marriage, Spiritual Life, Womanhood.

Pope Bashing {What it is... and isn't}

I've decided to add another 1000 words or so to the endless stream of digital blab in the latest papal plane drama. But I'll tell you three things I won't do:

1) I won't engage in personal attacks.
2) I won't try to interpret the Pope.
3) I won't pretend I'm not angry or confused.

The rest of the internet has those three covered pretty well. The most respectful thing that we can do when the Pope speaks is to take him at his word. He is not an infant or an idiot but a grown man and a prince of the Church. I read what he said. And then (in spite of the million internet column inches written by Catholics denying he meant what he said) I read a confirmation of his position (of his word and intent) by the official Vatican spokesman. There's nothing else to be said on that count. It is shocking. But it is done. (Unless, of course, there is a further clarification coming.)

That leaves us in a pretty uncomfortable place as Catholics but we've been here before throughout the centuries. Been awash in confusion. Been stuck with some pretty lame and corrupt leaders. Been confused by heresies and divided by schisms. We've more recently been rocked by the priestly abuse scandals and watched some of the most revered and notable names in the Church fall. And fall hard. Today's first world Catholics may be more sheltered than ever... but our circumstances are really not that different from our forebears in faith. 

We've got to face the facts... we've got a confusing Pope. That's the only descriptor I'm going to use because I don't understand his reasons so I can't address them further...

  • But I'm not going to defend what is not defensible.
  • And I'm not going to run reckless interference for what may be ignorance, error, ill-intent, or carelessness.
  • I'm not going to interpret the Pope according to my preferences and call it "respect."

To "bash" someone means to strike a damaging blow. You can accuse me of "pope bashing" but you'll be wrong. I won't attack him personally and I have no comment that can possibly be more damaging than his own reckless words spoken on a plane. 

Let me be clear... I love the man. He is my spiritual father and head of the universal Church. I love him like I love any priest. I look to him as the visible head of the Body of Christ. But...

We are not obligated as Catholics to defend the poor choices of a Pope when he has loose lips on a plane... but we are obligated to uphold the teachings of the Catholic faith. We worship Jesus Christ and follow the teachings of His Church. Consequently, we honor the holy office of pope. If the words of a pope on a plane and the teachings of the Church ever come into conflict, we DO know what to do:

Persist in charity. And hold fast to Truth.

We are not obligated to defend the indefensible even if it stings our pride. And it is not "pope bashing" to fight for the truths to which we have pledged our lives. Our identity is in Christ, not any man. Even the best of men.

We are not papal fangirls... we are Catholics.

When the Holy Father gave a strong indication that he would support contraception within marriage, I was shocked. I read and reread his words and no amount of interpreting by bloggers and Catholic media could set that confusion completely right. It was a bad scene all around and a lot of people just assumed that the Pope had to mean something else. Because... who's more Catholic than the Pope? He MUST mean something else because the alternative is... horrible. 

But when the official Vatican spokesman clarified the Holy Father's words and confirmed what on its face is a break with Church teaching? It's time to be very clear...

We do not serve the fashions of men. We serve Christ alone. 

Our Pope is not an imbecile. He is not naive. He is an adult man who knows what he's doing when he opens his mouth on a plane. We can at least give him that respect. And then we can give our God the ultimate respect by holding fast to the Truth, come hell, high water, or Father Lombardi. 

We say we want to be saints. But we too often forget what the saints endured. Most were not "culturally relevant." They were tortured, exiled, rejected, hated, spat upon, and scorned for defending the faith. Not just the BIG things of the faith... but all of it. They didn't always die or suffer for only dogmatic issues... but often for the minutiae of love. Because they knew Christ was at the center. 

"If we are 'out of our mind,' as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ's love compels us..." {2 Corinthians 5:13-14}

Who do we think we are? Are we so holy that we can afford to let go even one small aspect of our Christ-identity? Do we decide which elements of doctrine can be changed or altered? Can we give that permission or make that allowance for others?

No. We aren't. We don't. We can't.

It is not "pope bashing" to be who we are made to be and speak out in defense of Truth for the sake of our souls, those around us, and those who lead us. 

The Holy Father owns (or at least has access to) a copy of the CatechismHumanae Vitae, Familiaris Consortio, and other relevant Church documents. Let's assume that he has read them and understands them. And then if he deviates, we must also assume that it is not we who have stopped being good Catholics... but he who has wandered off the reservation. I assume that is not the case here... and eagerly wait for a clarification of the clarification. That it has not already been done is surprising. And damaging. 

Now before anyone goes berserk in my combox, I'm going to say it again: I haven't judged the Pope. I don't hate him. I haven't interpreted him. I respect the Holy Office of the Pope. And I'm Catholic 'til the end. That means I'm not going anywhere. Which means if this kind of crazy is going to go on in the Church, neither will I be silent.

"But even if we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to what we preached to you, let him be accursed." {St. Paul to the Galatians 1:8}

Hopefully, the Holy Father will set everything right today. He will affirm his unequivocal support and adherence to the teachings of the Church. He will distance himself from (and hopefully rebuke) Lombardi. And then... he will resolve to control his tongue and set firmer limits on media access. Phil Lawler said it well HERE.

The stakes are incredibly high. This is not a game or titillating blogger/media combox drama. Real souls are at stake. We need to get a hard grip on truth and wake each other up. If it means a little discomfort, so be it. 

Papa Francis... I love you. In the truest sense of the word. Which means I'm obliged to make some noise. 

Posted on February 20, 2016 and filed under Faith.

Why it doesn't matter if you fall...

You are going to fall.

It's just a matter of time.

And everything you do now is preparing you for how you respond. Will you be falling into God's grace? Or into your own floundering ego?

You are called to greatness.

And it's just a matter of time before you stumble on the way. 

Every time you fall, remember that you can't be great unless you know you can't get there on your own. You can't be truly strong until you know that you are weak. Or truly confident unless you know that you aren't the source of Truth. 

It isn't the fall that ultimately matters... but how you rise up.

I fell hard recently. I was carrying my toddler in my arms on my way to change her sagging diaper. I was talking to her as I went quickly up the stairs and showering her pretty head with kisses.

And I fell. 

I tried hard to hold her but I couldn't do it. I knew that her head was going to hit and there was not a thing I could do about it as we tumbled. Her bruise is healing and my arm is hurting and life goes on, with me a little more banged up than I was before and she with a new fear of falling.

It was not sinful for me to drop her but it was careless. A fault of mine. A false confidence that I could multi-task with my attention and still navigate the stairs. Apparently, I'm not that good. And that is how it is day in and day out, this constant battling with my own faults and sins. Falling and wounding and getting up again.

The temptation is to draw back... to take fewer risks in expectation of the fall. A fear of losing the love of others by our constant stumbling. A fear of coming face to face with our own sinfulness. But truly great people don't get there by spending all their time avoiding falls. They become great because they allow their character to be formed to God's will. They keep their eyes on Him alone...

.... and they let Him raise them up.

At the beginning of 2016, I wanted to join the momentum of the New Year's energy and choose a new word for the year. But as I prayed and read, I knew that I wasn't yet ready to move on from last year. So my focus for this year continues to be... RISE.

"{The disciples} fell prostrate and were very much afraid. But Jesus came and touched them, saying, Rise, and do not be afraid. And when the disciples raised their eyes, they saw no one else but Jesus alone." {Matthew 17}

I expect to fall.

And it doesn't matter.

My confidence is in Jesus alone. I rely on His grace and mercy. Thanks be to God!

{The bracelet in the top photo is available for purchase HERE}

Posted on February 2, 2016 and filed under Womanhood, Spiritual Life, Faith.