I have a secret and it's finally time to tell it. Okay, I have a few secrets...
I don't know much more about how to successfully homeschool today than I did at the beginning 15 years ago. I don't really go to homeschool conferences. I don't belong to a co-op. I know a lot about homeschooling and I've read all the books and purchased all the programs... but my days... they've been uncertain and long. And I've spent more than a few of them battling chronic illness.
I guess that's not the most flattering picture to paint of myself but... that's not the secret that I came here to tell anyway.
This post is really about the secret that I discovered while slogging uphill for this dream and for my family. It's about the real gift beyond the details of these days and what I want to be able to pass on to every homeschool mom I know...
Truly successful homeschooling is never about how much material we can stuff into a kids' brain. It's about lighting a fire in their very souls. And there is no one best way to do that. It is much more about trusting the process than about planning for perfection.
The family is made to nurture body, mind, and soul. We were created to do this. We don't really look like a school. We often look like a first class mess. But that is the gift...
That God allows us to become nothing so that the flame of His Love might rise and become a blaze in the heart of the family.
One of the best lessons I ever learned about homeschooling was from a local mom who faced a life-threatening illness and was sick for an extended period of time. She told me that she spent many days resting in a hammock on their enclosed patio while the kids pressed on, more or less, with their homeschooling. Her kids told me how they used to pretend to work or study and they laughed and teased each other about what they really did when they were supposed to be working. She told me (with a smile) that she never doubted their decision to continue homeschooling even when she wasn't able to do a thing. Because it wasn't about her. She knew their decision was right and she trusted that God had a plan for her illness.
Her kids are all grown now - successful, happy, smart, faithful, and all good friends - and I've never forgotten what she told me. She successfully homeschooled imperfectly from a hammock. And joy grew out of that.
When I went through my own years of chronic pain, illness, and fatigue, I didn't call her. I didn't really know what was wrong with me and I thought I was just a loser homeschooler. I didn't think that anyone was as lousy at this as I was. I imposed a kind of isolation on myself, determined to figure it out on my own.
But I wish I would have called her. I wish I would have let her see the tears.
Four years ago, God allowed me to set down my cross of illness. Since that time, I have been on a journey of healing; not just my body, but also my battered mind and soul. And while I have never doubted for a moment that homeschooling was a worthwhile journey and blessed by God, I have never stopped doubting my own role in that beautiful dream.
Why did He make these beautiful children and then give them this wildly inadequate mother?
It's all about the secret:
The mess is part of the gift. It is the stripping down of ego until we can see nothing but the grace of God.
That is the secret, the gift of chronic illness. That through all the pain and struggle, we are presented with the reality that we, in ourselves, are small.... and that it is God who stands in the gap and enables us to rise. Thanks be to God.